Grief is a complex yet natural experience that helps us process the pain of loss and move toward healing. Whether you’re mourning the death of a loved one, going through a painful divorce, or facing a major life change, you may find yourself experiencing a range of emotions. Mental health professionals often talk about “stages of grief” in therapy as a way to describe common feelings during mourning. In fact, if you’re exploring the stages of grief therapy process, you’ll encounter two main models: a classic 5-stage model and an expanded 7-stage model. Both frameworks can provide insight and comfort by normalizing what you’re going through, but they have important differences as well as similarities. This article will clearly explain each model, discuss how these stages might appear in various forms of loss, and offer insight into how CBT for grief and trauma-informed grief therapy can support you. Throughout, we’ll keep a warm, empathetic tone – because grief is hard, and you don’t have to face it alone, even in a busy place like Brooklyn.

The 5 Stages of Grief (Kübler-Ross Model)

The five stages of grief were first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. Originally based on the experiences of people facing terminal illness, this model was later applied broadly to anyone experiencing a loss. The five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These are not strict steps that everyone follows in order, but rather common reactions that many people move through in their own way and time. Let’s briefly look at each stage:

Denial: This is often the first reaction to loss. You might feel numb or in disbelief, struggling to accept that the loss is real. Denial acts as an emotional buffer – it temporarily protects you from the full force of the tragedy. For example, someone might think “This can’t be happening” or expect their loved one to walk through the door again, as if nothing has changed.
Anger: As reality starts to sink in, pain can manifest as anger. You might feel angry at yourself, others, the situation, or even the person who died for “leaving” you. It’s not unusual to direct anger toward doctors or higher powers as well. This stage can include feelings of frustration, resentment, or a sense of “Why did this happen to me?” Anger can be intense, but it’s a natural part of the healing process and better expressed than kept inside.
Bargaining: In this stage, you find yourself dwelling on “what if” or “if only” scenarios. Bargaining is an attempt to regain control or undo the loss: “If I do X, maybe this will all go away.” You might make promises to a higher power or constantly replay ways you could have prevented the loss. Guilt often accompanies bargaining – for instance, thinking that had you done something differently, things would be better. It’s important to remember that you are not to blame for what happened.
Depression: When the reality hits and bargaining doesn’t change the situation, deep sadness can set in. This stage is characterized by intense sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness about life without your loved one or the way life used to be. You might withdraw from others, have trouble getting out of bed, or feel that nothing matters anymore. In grief, depression is a natural response to loss. It can be the darkest time, but it is a necessary step toward healing as you begin to truly acknowledge the magnitude of the loss.
Acceptance: Acceptance is often the final stage in the five-stage model. This does not mean you’re “over” the loss or feel OK about it. Rather, acceptance means acknowledging reality: recognizing that the loss has happened and learning to live with it. You begin to find a way forward, even though life is different now. In this stage, there may be more good days than bad. You might start to engage with life again – forming new routines or roles, and finding a sense of peace or resolve. Acceptance can also come with a sense of hope that life will go on, and it’s often the point where you can remember your loved one or what you lost with more love than pain.

Important: Not everyone experiences all five stages, and you may not go through them in a neat order. It’s common to cycle back and forth between stages – for example, feeling okay one day and then back in anger or depression the next. Grief is highly individual. The five stages are meant to validate the emotions many people feel, not to force your experience into a box. If your journey looks different, that’s okay.

The 7 Stages of Grief (Extended Model)

Over time, grief experts expanded on Kübler-Ross’s work to capture a more nuanced journey. One well-known grief specialist, David Kessler, identified that there can be additional phases in the healing process. As a result, people often talk about a seven-stage model of grief. The seven stages include most of the five above, with a couple of additions. Here is a common version of the 7 stages of grief:

Shock: The initial shock often comes right after a loss. In this immediate reaction, you might feel numbed disbelief or a sense of shock that paralyzes your emotions. Shock can manifest as feeling detached or like you’re observing life from outside your body. This stage acts as the mind’s emergency brake – it buffers you from being overwhelmed all at once. For example, after unexpected bad news, you might mechanically go through the motions of planning a funeral or handling details, almost on autopilot.
Denial: After or alongside shock, denial may set in (just as in the five-stage model). You refuse to fully accept the loss or its implications. You might catch yourself expecting the person you lost to call or thinking a mistake has been made. Refuting the reality of the loss is a common defense – it gives you a bit more time to absorb what happened. Denial and shock together help you survive the early days of grief.
Anger: Similar to the five-stage model, anger in the seven-stage model is a natural response once the truth of the loss starts to hit. You may feel anger at anyone or anything you can blame – the circumstances, other people, God, or just life in general. You might even feel anger toward yourself or the loved one who died (“Why did you leave me?”). This anger can feel explosive or simmer quietly as irritability. It’s important to acknowledge and express these feelings in healthy ways, like talking to a trusted friend or therapist, because unaddressed anger can complicate your grief.
Bargaining: This stage involves the internal negotiations and what-ifs we also see in the five-stage model. You might replay all the “if only” scenarios: If only I had insisted they see a doctor sooner… or What if I had been a better partner? Bargaining is the mind’s attempt to find a way out of the pain. Often, it’s accompanied by guilt or regret. In this stage, people sometimes make promises – for example, “I’ll never take anything for granted if I could just have them back.” While these thoughts are a normal part of grief, they can be painful. It helps to remind yourself that no single action would have magically changed the outcome; we often assign ourselves unrealistic responsibility when we hurt.
Depression: As bargaining falls away, you confront the reality that the loss is beyond your control. This can bring on a wave of profound sadness, much like the depression stage in the five-step model. You might feel a heavy emptiness, cry often, lose interest in your usual activities, or worry that you’ll never feel okay again. You could also feel lonely or isolated in your grief. In the seven-stage model, depression is an essential part of the journey where you process the depth of your loss. It may last a while and often comes and goes in waves, which is normal.
Reconstruction/Testing: This stage is an addition that isn’t explicitly outlined in the original five. It’s sometimes called the “upward turn” or testing stage, when you start to adjust to life after loss. Here, you may find yourself seeking practical ways to cope or testing out new routines and solutions. There may be a sense of things getting a bit more organized: you begin to work through problems posed by life changes, slowly building confidence again. For example, after losing a spouse, you might start learning to manage finances on your own or take up a new hobby to fill time. During this period, you might still dip back into sadness or anger, but gradually, there are more moments of hope or purpose. Essentially, you begin reconstructing your life around the loss.
Acceptance (and Hope): In the seven-stage model, acceptance remains the final stage, but it often comes with a newfound sense of peace – and sometimes meaning. Acceptance means acknowledging the reality of your loss, as before, and finding a way to move forward. Many describe this stage as making peace with what happened. You don’t “get over” the loss, but you integrate it into your life story. You can remember the person or situation you lost without being consumed by grief. Often, there’s a feeling of hope that life will continue in a new way. Grief expert David Kessler suggests that at this stage people might even find meaning in the loss – for instance, cherishing life more, helping others, or honoring the loved one’s legacy. Not everyone will find a grand meaning, and that’s okay, but a sense of personal growth or purpose can emerge as part of healing.

Like the five-stage model, the seven stages of grief are not linear or universal. You may not experience all seven, and that’s normal. Some people might label their experience with slightly different terms (for example, some describe feeling “guilt” specifically, or talk about an initial “disbelief”). The key takeaway is that grief has many faces, and all these emotional stages – shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, and acceptance – are common reactions. They give you a language to understand yourself. However, every individual’s grief is unique. These models are general frameworks, not a checklist. If you don’t feel one of the stages or if you experience them in a different order, your grief is still valid.

Comparing the Five-Stage and Seven-Stage Models

Both the 5-stage and 7-stage models aim to describe the journey of grief, and they actually overlap a great deal. The core stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are present in both models. The primary difference is that the seven-stage model adds a couple of steps to acknowledge initial shock and the process of rebuilding or finding meaning. In practice, this means the 7-stage model provides a bit more detail about the beginning and the turning point of grief. For example, the five-stage model starts at denial, whereas the seven-stage model recognizes that often we feel a numb shock even before denial kicks in. And when the five-stage model jumps from depression to acceptance, the seven-stage model highlights the transitional period where one starts to adjust (sometimes called testing or reconstruction) before fully reaching acceptance.

Similarities: Both models agree that feelings of disbelief, anger, yearning for things to be different, deep sadness, and eventually a level of acceptance are common in grief. Both models also stress that these emotions can recur and blend together; grief is messy, not orderly. The models serve as a roadmap to help people understand that what they’re feeling is normal at a given point. For instance, if you’re suddenly furious at a loved one who passed, knowing about the “anger” stage can reassure you that you’re not a bad person – it’s a typical part of grief.

Differences: The seven-stage model is a bit more nuanced. It explicitly identifies the shock you may feel initially, as well as the work of rebuilding your life towards the end. Some versions of the 7-stage framework (particularly David Kessler’s) also emphasize “finding meaning” as a part of healing – something not addressed in the original five stages. Essentially, the seven-stage model can resonate for people who feel their grief journey had an extra initial phase of numbness or who find that after acceptance, they still strive to make sense of the loss.

It’s worth noting that neither model is scientifically perfect. Real grief doesn’t fit into tidy boxes. In fact, some grief experts have critiqued the idea of stages altogether, suggesting that grief is more of a set of fluctuating waves or cycles rather than sequential steps. So, think of these models as tools, not laws. They can give you words for your pain and progress, but they are not there to pressure you. If you find yourself not fitting the mold (for example, not feeling anger, or experiencing acceptance early on), it doesn’t mean you’re doing grief “wrong.” Everyone’s process is personal.

Grief in Many Forms: Death, Divorce, and Life Changes

When we hear “grief,” we often think of the loss of a loved one through death. Indeed, the death of a family member or close friend is a profound loss that usually triggers these stages of grief. But grief isn’t limited to bereavement. Any major loss or life change can set off a grief process. People in Brooklyn and everywhere experience grief due to divorce or breakups, losing a job, miscarriages, loss of health or mobility, or even positive changes like retirement (which can bring loss of identity or daily purpose). It’s important to recognize these situations as real losses that deserve compassion and healing.

Let’s take divorce as an example. When a marriage or long-term relationship ends, it’s not unusual to experience the same five stages of grief. You might start in denial, thinking “maybe it’s just a phase” or expecting your ex-partner to change their mind. This can be followed by anger at your former partner or the circumstances – feeling hurt and upset about what happened. Bargaining often comes into play as well: you might obsess over things you could have done differently (“If only I had spent more time at home, maybe they’d have stayed”). When reality sinks in, a period of depression or deep sadness can follow – you grieve not only the person, but the future you envisioned together. In time, if you work through these feelings, you may reach acceptance – recognizing that the relationship is over and perhaps even seeing that life can be better in the long run, as that Medical News Today article notes people eventually realize they might be better off without the unhealthy relationship.

Similarly, consider job loss. Losing your job can feel like losing a part of yourself, especially if your career is tied to your identity or financial security. It’s common to feel shock and denial (“There must be some mistake, they’ll call me back”), then anger (at your boss or company, or the unfairness of the situation), bargaining (wondering if you could have done something differently or hoping you might get rehired), sadness and despair (worrying about the future, feeling worthless or anxious about finances), and eventually acceptance (“Maybe that job was not the best fit; I can find a new opportunity”). These emotional swings are a form of grief for the loss of your normal work life. The same can apply to other life changes – like moving to a new city (grieving the loss of your old community), a child leaving home (empty nest syndrome), or getting a life-altering medical diagnosis.

In all these cases, the stages of grief provide a framework to understand that your feelings are normal. For instance, if you’re feeling incredibly angry after a layoff, it might help to know that’s a typical response, akin to the anger stage. If you’re depressed after a breakup, it might comfort you to know that’s a common phase and it doesn’t last forever. However, remember that each person’s mix of stages will vary. Some losses might hit you with more anger than sadness, or vice versa. External factors also play a role in how we grieve different losses.

Grieving in Brooklyn: Urban Stress and Community Support

Grieving in a big city like Brooklyn comes with its own unique challenges and supports. On one hand, Brooklyn (and New York City in general) is a diverse, bustling urban environment. Life around you moves fast – the city “never sleeps”, jobs are demanding, and people often feel pressure to return to their routines quickly after a loss. You might get only a few days off work to mourn, and then you’re back on the subway, surrounded by crowds. This fast pace can make it hard to find the space and time to grieve. You may feel like the world is rushing by while you’re standing still in sorrow. Urban life also means that family and close friends might be far away, especially for transplants living in Brooklyn without extended family nearby. This can add to feelings of isolation in grief.

On the other hand, Brooklyn is known for its strong communities. Our borough is a mosaic of neighborhoods, cultures, and support networks. You might belong to a local faith community, a cultural group, or have close-knit neighbors who can offer comfort. Community-based care can be a huge help – whether it’s a friend dropping off food, a local support organization, or simply the understanding presence of people who’ve been through similar losses. In an urban setting, sometimes help is just a block away. For example, Brooklyn has many support resources such as community centers and meetups for those going through loss (though remember, for this article we’re focusing on individual therapy rather than group support).

Another advantage of being in Brooklyn is access to therapy. In a city this size, there are many qualified therapists and counseling services available, meaning you can find someone who fits your needs and cultural background. Brooklyn grief counseling services, like Resilient Mind Psychotherapy, understand the stresses of urban life and the importance of tailoring support to each individual. If the noise, hustle, and constant activity of the city feel overwhelming while you’re grieving, a therapist can help create a calm space for you to process your emotions. Moreover, New York’s diversity means therapists here are often culturally aware and sensitive to different traditions of mourning – whether you sit shiva in Jewish tradition, observe Caribbean nine-nights, or have your own personal way of honoring your loss. A local Brooklyn therapist can incorporate understanding of these practices into your healing process.

In short, grieving in Brooklyn might mean juggling practical pressures (rent, commuting, work deadlines) while you’re heartbroken. It can be tough – but you’re not alone, and the city also offers resources and communities that can bolster you. The key is to give yourself permission to mourn, even as the city buzzes on around you, and to seek out the support you need. One form of support that many find beneficial is individual therapy. In the next sections, we’ll explore how therapy – especially cognitive-behavioral therapy and a trauma-informed approach – can help you navigate the stages of grief and start to heal.

CBT for Grief: How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Help

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a widely-used approach in counseling that focuses on the connection between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In the context of grief, CBT can be a powerful tool to help individuals cope and find a path forward. Rather than trying to fast-forward you to acceptance, CBT works with you wherever you are in your grieving process, helping transform painful thought patterns and build healthier coping strategies.

One of the ways CBT supports grief therapy is by identifying and reframing negative thoughts that can intensify your suffering. When you’re grieving, it’s common to have thoughts like “It’s my fault this happened,” “I’ll never be happy again,” or “No one understands what I’m going through.” These thoughts, while natural, can make you feel even worse and keep you stuck in despair. A CBT-trained grief therapist will first help you become aware of these internal messages. Then, together you work on gently challenging and changing them. For example, if you’re blaming yourself for a loved one’s death, the therapist might help you examine that guilt more objectively. You may come to realize that feeling responsible doesn’t mean you are responsible, and that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Releasing false guilt or unrealistic beliefs can significantly lighten the emotional load of grief.

CBT also teaches practical coping skills for dealing with grief. This might include strategies like keeping a thought journal, practicing relaxation techniques when overwhelming feelings hit, or scheduling small activities that bring a sense of accomplishment or connection each day. One important CBT technique is called behavioral activation, which encourages you to gradually re-engage with meaningful activities (even if you don’t feel like it at first) to help lift the fog of depression. For someone in the depression stage of grief, this could mean setting a tiny goal like taking a short walk in the park or calling a supportive friend. These small actions can, over time, create an “upward spiral” where you start to feel a bit better and more in control.

Another aspect of CBT for grief is helping you come to terms with the loss and work toward the acceptance stage in a healthy way. Therapy provides a safe space to talk about your loved one or the life change you’ve experienced. Simply telling your story and expressing your emotions is cathartic and can reduce the power they have over you. A CBT therapist listens and helps you reframe your perspective. For instance, if you’re stuck on thoughts like “I can’t live without my spouse,” the therapist might help you slowly shift this to “My life is forever changed, but I can find a way to go on and honor their memory.” This doesn’t happen overnight, but step by step, CBT guides you to replace hopeless or catastrophic thoughts with thoughts that acknowledge the pain yet also allow for hope and meaning.

Importantly, CBT keeps you anchored in the present moment while still honoring the past. Grief can pull our minds to the past (memories, regrets) or the future (fears, “how will I ever…”). CBT techniques such as mindfulness training help bring gentle attention to today. What are you feeling right now? What do you need right now? This can reduce anxiety and help break the cycle of rumination that many grieving individuals experience.

Finally, CBT is often a relatively short-term, structured therapy, meaning it gives you active tools and homework to use in daily life. Over the course of weeks or months, you and your therapist track your progress through the stages of grief. If one stage (like anger or guilt) is particularly hard for you, CBT interventions will focus there to ensure it doesn’t derail your healing. There is evidence that CBT can effectively help with complicated grief, which is when grief remains very intense and prolonged. By challenging irrational thoughts and encouraging positive actions, CBT can gradually help reduce the pain of grief and improve your functioning. In summary, CBT for grief provides understanding and concrete skills: it validates that what you’re feeling is not “crazy,” and it empowers you with ways to cope, one day at a time.

Trauma-Informed Grief Therapy: Healing with Safety and Compassion

When grief is tied to a particularly traumatic event, or when a person has past trauma that resurfaces during grief, it’s crucial that therapy is trauma-informed. Trauma-informed grief therapy means the therapist and therapeutic process take into account the impact of trauma on your grief, ensuring that you feel safe, understood, and in control throughout your healing journey. In a trauma-informed approach, a therapist might ask “What happened to you?” rather than “What’s wrong with you?”. This gentle shift in perspective recognizes that your intense reactions (like panic attacks, flashbacks, or numbness) may be your mind and body responding to trauma, not a sign of personal weakness or “going crazy.”

A key principle of trauma-informed care is safety. Grieving a traumatic loss – say, losing someone in a violent accident or surviving a disaster – can leave you feeling unsafe in the world. A trauma-informed therapist first makes sure you feel physically and emotionally secure in sessions. This could involve helping you learn grounding techniques to manage overwhelming feelings, creating an environment of trust and routine, and allowing you to share your story at your own pace. The therapist will avoid pushing you to talk about details of the trauma before you’re ready, since reliving trauma too suddenly can retraumatize. Instead, they might work on stabilizing you with coping skills (like deep breathing, visualization, or mindfulness exercises) so that when you do process the traumatic aspects, you feel more in control.

In trauma-informed grief therapy, validation and empowerment are key. The therapist validates that what you went through was horrible and that your reactions (anger, nightmares, guilt, etc.) make sense given what happened. They also help you regain a sense of control and empowerment in your life. Trauma often leaves people feeling helpless or powerless; grief can too. So a trauma-informed therapist might collaborate with you on a plan for therapy, giving you choices in what coping methods to try, and encouraging you to be an active partner in your healing rather than a passive patient. Over time, this can help rebuild your confidence.

This approach also integrates special techniques or therapies for trauma when appropriate. For example, a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy called Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is specifically designed for people who have experienced traumatic events. Research has shown that CPT can be more beneficial than standard CBT when a loss is especially traumatic. CPT helps you challenge and modify deeply painful beliefs related to the trauma (such as self-blame or a shattered sense of safety). In grief counseling, a trauma-informed therapist might use elements of CPT or other trauma-focused methods like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help you process the traumatic memory of how the loss happened, alongside the emotional pain of the loss itself. The goal is to integrate the trauma into your grief process so that both can be healed in tandem. For instance, if someone lost a loved one in a tragic attack, they might have PTSD symptoms (like flashbacks of the event) and grief symptoms (like yearning and sadness). A trauma-informed approach addresses both: perhaps first establishing safety and reducing PTSD symptoms, and then helping the person mourn and find meaning after the loss.

Even if your grief isn’t due to a violent or sudden death, a trauma-informed perspective is valuable. Many people have past traumas (childhood abuse, previous losses, etc.) that can be triggered by a new loss. A therapist who is trauma-informed will be alert to signs that something is triggering you, and will be sensitive in handling it. They will strive to build trust, transparency, and collaboration. For example, they might regularly check in about how you feel the therapy is going, and what you need, rather than assuming they know best. This ensures that therapy itself does not feel like another situation where you have no voice. Ultimately, trauma-informed grief therapy provides a compassionate space where all of your experiences are taken into account. It acknowledges that healing from grief is not just about accepting a loss; it can also involve healing from the trauma surrounding that loss or from older wounds it brought up. With this approach, clients often feel deeply heard and empowered, which lays the groundwork for genuine recovery and resilience.

You’re Not Alone: Getting Help through Brooklyn Grief Counseling

No matter what form your grief takes or which stage you find yourself in today, it’s important to remember that you do not have to go through this alone. Support is available right here in Brooklyn. Individual therapy can be a lifeline when you’re navigating loss, providing personalized attention and a safe haven to express everything you’re feeling. At Resilient Mind Psychotherapy, we offer compassionate one-on-one Brooklyn grief counseling that integrates the understanding of grief stages with evidence-based therapeutic approaches. Our therapists are trained in approaches like CBT and trauma-informed care, which means we tailor our therapy to you – addressing both the painful thoughts that may be keeping you stuck and the emotional wounds that need gentle healing.

Living in a big city can make grief feel even more overwhelming, but it also means there are resources at your fingertips. Reaching out for professional help is a courageous step toward healing. Imagine having a supportive guide as you go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and onward – someone who can say, “It’s okay that you feel this way; let’s work through it together.” That’s what therapy can offer. Whether you’re struggling with the sudden shock of a loved one’s death, the drawn-out heartache of a breakup, or the cumulative stress of life changes, a therapist can help you make sense of your feelings and find healthy ways to cope.

Not sure if your grief may be prolonged or complicated?
Take our quick Grief Self-Assessment Test to reflect on your experience and see if professional support might be right for you.

At Resilient Mind Psychotherapy, we understand the stresses of urban life and the diverse cultural tapestry of our community. We provide a warm, empathetic environment where you can process your grief at your own pace. Our approach is not one-size-fits-all; we don’t expect your grief to follow a textbook path. Instead, we draw on models like the 5-stage and 7-stage theories as guides to validate your experience, all while listening to your unique story. With CBT for grief, we can help you challenge those painful thoughts that say your pain will last forever. With a trauma-informed grief therapy approach, we ensure that if your grief is intertwined with trauma, you feel safe and supported every step of the way.

Healing is possible. It might not feel that way today, and that’s okay. Grief takes time – often more time than we expect. But little by little, with the right support, the pain can become more bearable, and you can start to see a path forward. If you’re in Brooklyn and going through loss, consider reaching out to Resilient Mind Psychotherapy. Contact us for a consultation or to schedule an appointment. Let us help you carry this burden and guide you toward hope and healing. You’ve taken an important step by learning about the stages of grief and how therapy can help. The next step could be as simple as picking up the phone or sending an email. We are here for you, ready to help you navigate every stage of grief with empathy, respect, and expert care.

Ready to Begin Healing?

Whether you identify more with the five stages or seven, one thing is clear: grief is not something to go through alone. If you’re struggling with loss—recent or long-past—we’re here to help.
Reach out to Resilient Mind Psychotherapy in Brooklyn to begin your healing journey. We offer compassionate, evidence-based grief counseling tailored to your experience.

References

Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507885/
Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-12814-000
American Psychological Association. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Overview. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2019). Trauma-Informed Care: Definitions and Strategies for Clinical Practice. https://www.nctsn.org/
Mayo Clinic. (2023). Complicated Grief: Symptoms and Treatment. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes

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